back in the usa - friday night

beautiful evening back in new haven of dancing, watching listening to the sounds of spain...

No one talks about...

what its like to be crazy passionate, qualified, but ... unemployed.

Its my choice.
And technically, I'm not even unemployed. I actually have two jobs.
but i'm working on starting my career.
a career that gets me up in the morning.
and makes my heart thump.
where i DO what i BELIEVE.

Man there are HIGHS -
those wonderful moments when i realize that literally ANYTHING is possible,
ANYTHING could happen,
I could go ANYWHERE
do ANYTHING
love ANYONE
if i can DREAM it, I can DO it!
its utter FREEDOM!

And then there are the LOWS -

and lows are LOW and I mean LOW.
Scary low - feeling like I am wasting my life, wasting these precious days - scary realizations that I am 26 (as if the number in itself is a scary thing, whatever that means) - scary spiraling fears that start with -
what if i'm not good enough
to
what if i don't get my dream job
to
what if i'm missing a huge opportunity
to
what if i don't get any job
to
.....
and somehow that ends up
with
what if i never have babies???

what??!? where did babies come in to this?

its like my the worrying parts of my brain are so overstimulated, they are able to pick up anything, and I mean ANYTHING to worry about.

so breathing has become something i have to concentrate on, a lot.

because people, especially people who love me, want to know...
what is next?
what are your plans?

and sometimes that makes me shaky ... because it is really scary and humbling to say...

i. have. no. idea.

i've never been that person before.
i've always known what was next, and what was next was always... pretty cool.
but i'm not that person right now.
i'm the 'i have no idea what i'm doing' person.
its an identity change.


but its also good - one day at a time kind of good.
taking deep breathes
appreciating leaves and snow kind of good.
sitting over coffee with old friends and scheming about possible life plans kind of good.
relinquishing control an really trusting god kind of good.
refinding music kind of good.
hot baths kind of good.
essentially, appreciating the little things kind of good.

so if you are going through something similar, you are not alone.
i'm here, drinking ginger tea, with 100 tabs open on my computer and 15 open half finished applications, 43 simultaneous half-formed life plans, and a deep fear of being asked what those plans are.

and sometimes, i even enjoy it a little. :)

And here is one thing I do know:
I am not going to settle.
Something amazing is going to happen.
Because... I just know it will.
And the people whose lives I admire the most, never settled.
And until this something amazing comes up, I am going to enjoy being with the people I love.
And breathe a lot.


PS -
i promise i will ALWAYS help you if you are looking for a job (not that i'm a lot of help right now, but you know...).
i won't just tell you to look at the website.
and if i'm an employer of an amazing org, i will ALWAYS WRITE EVERY PERSON WHO APPLIES back a note, even if it is just to say no.
because everyone deserves at least a no.
and everyone deserves a little help.
and we shouldn't have to sell our souls to get a job that we would be great at.
you know?

ok, that's all for today.

Back to the Roots - images of my 2009 fall

My welcome back to the USA - - Beautiful Idaho August

Some QT with my girls in Denver

A perfect week with my grandparents on the ranch in Arizona

These pictures of my grandma making a pie are now some of my most prized possessions - simply priceless.

A Father-Daughter trip to Yellowstone National Park

And the Grand Tetons

Harvest in Idaho

A weekend with Victor

Meeting my brother's future in-laws

A freak snow storm the first week of October

Trailing the Sheep with Mama in Ketchum

Family Reunion in Las Vegas

And coming out 10 dollars ahead!

A beautiful reunion in San Diego

Doing yard work for possibly the first time ever..

I am SO Thankful for this
wonderful, unexpected season
of rest and reconnections with my roots.

What 26 Looks Like.

On my birthday, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. The clerk stared at my I.D. for an inappropriate amount of time, looking at me, then the I.D., then back at me...

Thinking she was wondering why I had a Texas driver's license, I started to explain that I hadn't lived in Idaho for a while.

She interrupted me, saying, "No... no.. its just that you hide it SO WELL!"

"Hide my I.D.?" I said, confused.

"No, your age! You look so much younger! GREAT JOB!"

And I thought - wow.... so this is what we've come to.

All aside, I had a wonderful birthday.
Turning 26 never felt so good.

The pizza tradition continued. My parents started celebrating my birthday with pizza waaaaay back. My birthday seemed to ALWAYS fall on a basketball game day, from about 5th grade through my senior year, and my parents would always deliver pizza for the whole team. When I left for college, they continued the tradition. Over the years, they've had pizza delivered to a hotel room in California, a classroom in Sevilla, Spain, my dorm room at Rice in Houston, two classrooms in two schools that I taught in in the gheeeeeettto in Houston, my house in Denver during the middle of grad school finals, and a pizza party for my friends in Grahamstown, South Africa. This year I got to eat it with them at the Pizza Hut in Burley.

My aunt Donna and uncle Richard came over for a fabulous dinner with lots of my favorites. It was so warm and fabulous.

The menu was rather extravagant, and complete with a VERY strong drink my dad invented for the occasion...

And for dessert - Creme Brulee!
Dad torched it to carmelize the sugar, and I was convinced the house was going to blow up..

It was delicious, and a beautiful beginning to what I am sure will be an incredible year.

A reflection on 25.

• My 25th year began in Grahamstown South Africa surrounded by so many loved ones...
• Shortly thereafter, I finished my master's thesis,
• Went on an incredible trip to islands off the coast of Kenya and Tanzania,
• Flew to Idaho for Christmas and got promptly thrown into sub-zero weather up in Sun Valley for a family bonding session,
• Visited Houston for a quick luncheon with all of my loved ones and a presentation to the Rotary District who funded my year in South Africa,
• Went to Jerusalem for 3 months to participate in a Special Program on Human Rights, where I got detained, got angry, and had my whole heart swallowed up by the situation,
  
• Visited Jordan and Egypt,
  
• Returned to Denver to finish my last quarter of graduate school,
• Went to Nairobi, Kenya for 3 months to conduct research in the largest slum in Africa where I walked through human feces almost every single day and had my flight home canceled due to terrorist threats,
  
• Returned to Idaho in one piece,
• White water rafted Hells Canyon,
• Visited my grandparent's ranch in Arizona where I learned how to bake a pie and got to listen to more Fox News than any one human should ever have to,
• Snuggled with my loved ones and presented our findings about the slum to our funders in Denver,
• Took a Father/Daughter special trip to Yellowstone,
  
• Reconnected with beloved family at a reunion in Las Vegas,
  
• Accompanied of one of my dearest friends to his sister's wedding in San Diego,
• Picked pecans right from the trees in El Paso and heard Victor present about his hot shot new job,
• Became an excellent phone answerer and sub-par label maker at Fletcher Law Office,
• And got to hang out with my parents, lay low and breathe for the first time in a really long time in Burley Idaho.

So overall - it was amazing, exhausting, overwhelming, love-filled, drama-filled, gratitude-filled, ball buster of a year. I am certainly still processing everything that happened..

26 has a lot to live up to.

i am a graduate student.

I woke up at 5am.
I worked on a paper.
I ate some cereal.
I worked on a paper.
I went to class for two hours.
I learned some stuff about statistics.
I think.
I'll find out in my lab on Thursday.

I went downstairs to meet my group.
I signed a petition to bring a PhD's student's family here.
He is from Gaza.
The Israeli government won't let his family out.
Or him in.
He has a daughter that he has never met.
I spent 7 straight hours
finishing and formatting
our final project for my project management class.

Our project was to build a girls' school
in Afghanistan.
In an earthquake zone.
With the threat of an attack from the Taliban.
And the stigma against women's education.
With a budget of $500,000.

I ate some sushi.
The pre-packaged kind.
And a rice krispy treat.
I finished.
I took a five minute breather to write this blog,
and now am about to write that paper
Its due tomorrow.

Eek.

Its a case study about crisis management.
I am using the crisis of HIV and AIDS in South Africa.
And showing
how not
to handle a crisis.

It was 86 degrees outside today.
I love love love
love love
warm weather.

But I was inside,
eating stale sushi,
hypothetically building a school
and thinking,
once again,
about AIDS.

In the midst of my misery,
I secretly loved every minute.

And am so grateful
that I can learn
about what I love.

Things that Make Me Ridiculously Happy

1. grand schemes.
2. unexpected hugs.
   
3. strawberry margaritas.
4. talking to my little brother on the phone.
5. mocha babies.
6. spanish.
7. morning.
8. harmonized voices.
9. riding in the passenger seat on roadtrips.
10. the world atlas.

Another transition

God willing, I'll be in Denver on Sunday night.
Classes start Monday at 9am.
That how my life seems to roll.

I am sad to be leaving this place and these experiences.
But more than anything, I am thankful.
It has been priceless.

For the last couple years, I have been homeless, and yet somehow I have had a sense of home wherever I have gone. Today, my home is in East Jerusalem. There are so many people here who have become a family to me, and their struggles, pain and joy have become mine.

I'll carry that with me no matter where my body rests at night.
Here's to another transition.

Adios Jerusalem.
Salaam and Shalom.

Shakshuka

Today I finally tried Shakshuka, one of the most traditional of Israeli dishes. It has seemed that
whenever the topic of food has come up, my Israeli friends have asked me if I have tried Shakshuka, and when I said no, there were lots of exclamations and upsetted-ness. So today, I finally went for it. (Disclaimer - I ate it in a baguette, and my friend said that doesn't count, so I will have to eat the more traditional version later).

It is a very simple meal - a sauce made of tomatoes, tomato sauce, peppers, onions etc. all topped with eggs that are poached in the sauce. It reminds me a bit of huevos rancheros.

It is super good and filling, and is a nice protein kick because of the eggs. It is usually served with warmed pita or bread.

Here is a recipe from Recipezaar if you want to try it at home!

[Image taken from New York Times.]

On Looking And (Not) Being Jewish

actual conversation from the bus yesterday:

woman: brrrrrrrr tov brrrr

me: oh, i'm sorry, I don't speak Hebrew

woman: where are you from?

me: the United States

woman: you are here on Birthright?

me: no, I am here for an internship

woman: you have a very Jewish face. Jewish eyes.

me: Yes, I am told this a lot.

woman: Very Jewish nose. You are Jewish?

me: No, no.

woman: oh.

(pause)

woman: where do you work then?

me: Rabbis for Human Rights

woman: So you are Jewish?

me: No.

woman: But VERY Jewish face. I think maybe you are Jewish and you just don't know. Everyone in United States is mixed up.

me: Yes, I suppose it is possible.

woman: you have very pretty Jewish hair.

me: ...thank you.


take variations of this conversation and replay 3- 4 times a day.
this is my reality.

In Memory of Lauren

Every day before class, we light a candle in memory of Lauren, a member of our program who passed away the week before we came to Jerusalem. Her legacy and her family are in our minds and hearts every day.

Denver

After leaving Houston, I had to return to Denver for about 5 days for meetings and such to prepare for my Jerusalem program. Last time I was in town I stayed with my friends John and Meredith (how do I get so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life who willingly take my homeless self in?!) While in town this time around I invaded the home of my best friend Catherine and her husband Peter. They have been the most fabulous hosts. Just look at the little cuties:

Maybe their married-ness inspired me, because a couple of nights ago I had a bout of domesticism kick in. This, my friends, is a ridiculously rare sight, so soak in the photos while you can. I decided I needed to cook a roast, of all things, and it turned out gloriously. Behold:

I was super proud. Don't you want a closer look?!

Cat and Peter helped too.

I also decided I needed to bake bread. What I didn't take into consideration is that the bread would have to rise. twice. and then still be baked. so the bread got finished at 11pm, a mere 3 hours after we had dinner. I never claimed to have a talent at this.

Rock band

I had a lot of game 'firsts' on this trip. I played Wii with Victor's family (and I swear that my arms are STILL sore) and I played Rock Band with these lovelies:

It was a little stressful at first,

But clearly I am a natural.

And Vic of course could do it like he was a pro. I hope our children land his musical genes.

And then there was one...

I am not good at living alone. I mean, I REALLY hate it. I have no desire to do so - ever. I love LOVE having roommates, and fortunately, throughout my entire life, I have had PHENOMENAL relationships with my roomies -you know who you are and I love you. However, this week, I am roommate-less. I have been dreading the day that everyone left, and sure enough, it came. So when I walked back in the house.... well, I'll let you read below.

Following, there is an email I sent to my newly ex-roommates about 25 minutes after they pulled out of the driveway.....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

now that i am officially a house of 'one,' i thought i would update you on what's been going on at 5 Gilbert in the last - oh, 25 minutes or so that i have lived alone.

ok, so as soon as you left i walked back to my room and cried - you know - like a little baby.
then i turned on bob marley don't worry 'bout a thing... every little thing gonna be alright.
that made me feel better.

then I saw that princess had left her shoes by her chair (way to go big foot), and that cheered me up a little too thinking about how big her feet are.

and then i realized the there was one very important upside of being the only one left ---

Everything left in the kitchen....

is MINE!

(not that people being here ever really stopped any of us before from eating anything, but now ... now there was freedom)

so of course i waddled to the kitchen to check out the scene. i first scoped out the cubbords (how in the world do you spell that?) - saw all that was left of rosa's peanutbutter and stale granola - rummaged through the rest of the cubbords (cubbards?) - saw... 70 things of tea, a stale rusk or two --- seriously? THROW ME A BONE PEOPLE. Pitiful, I tell you - pitiful. But then I remembered there was one more little place.

The fridge!

I opened the fridge to see what treasures would now all be mine.

The bounty: a bag of lettuce so old and rotten that it had expanded and bloated to its limit. I mean seriously, this bag was a full on BALLOON of rotten lettuce.

I picked it up gingerly and threw it in the garbage can along with a whole load of other semi-rotten 'veg' (as you say here).

Thanks, girls. Thank you for the rotten veg. Much appreciated.

Since that was a flop, I made the round to the bathrooms to see what products I could lavish myself with the next week.

There aren't many products left... but there were surely a LOT of... razors. Twelve to be exact. TWELVE! That means that even at our full capacity we were averaging 2 razors per person. Who knew we had such serious hair issues. Oh wait, I just found another one on my desk. 13. Thirteen razors.

Plotting my next shaving escapades, I returned to my room and Bob Marley. I settled in to feel especially sorry for myself (and maybe even eat some of the chocolate Cilnette gave me). I turned off Bob to wallow in the utter silence of loneliness.

and then..... BANG!!

I swear that the whole house shook.

And my heart stopped.

I mean seriously, it sounded like a gunshot in the kitchen.

I half walked/half crawled in there to see who had broken into our house and fired a shotgun.

But instead, I found a room covered - I mean COVERED..

in rotten lettuce.

Yes, that's right - the lettuce bag had exploded over the entire kitchen.

So enjoy your nice kitchens at home girls! Don't worry, I have it under control.

In your absence I will surely keep myself busy wiping rotten veg off of every surface in the kitchen and when I get done, maybe I'll shave.

;) I love you.

Twenty-five

I am now - officially a quarter of a century old. And I have loved every second - I wouldn't give a minute of it back. I have been pretty inundated with my thesis lately, so I expected to have a very low-key birthday this year... but I was in for quite the surprise. Victor drove in from Cape Town, COMPLETELY catching me off guard (I had NO idea) and surprised me!!!! In addition, my parents tracked down the owner of a pizza restaurant in town (we stayed at a guesthouse owned by the same people when they were here in June), and arranged for pizza-dinner party with my friends. This has been a tradition since I was in middle school - my birthday always used to fall on a basketball game, so my parents would always bring pizza for my team, and put up banners and such in the stands (love them). When I left for college, the kept the tradition going by tracking me down WHEREVER I am and having pizza delivered to me and my friends....So far, this has meant that they have delivered pizza to:

• 2002 - A random hotel in California where I was recruiting for Rice's swim team (yes, this is my other life I lived somewhere back there)
• 2003 - A history class in a university in Sevilla, Spain (this one was a MIRACLE considering they don't speak Spanish and until that point I had never seen a pizza restaurant in our town)
• 2004 - hmmm - I must have been at Rice in Houston.
• 2005 - YES Prep Public School in Houston, TX - The whole staff ate pizza with me (apparently they tried to deliver it to my house but no pizza place would deliver to my house in the ghetto!! haha)
• 2006 - Again at YES Prep in Houston, but this time I ate with my students as well.
  
• 2007 - My house in Denver where I was in the middle of my first graduate-school finals.
• 2008 - Grahamstown, South Africa! - this year's pizza was a chicken and avocado dream, of course with hot sauce (thanks Brenda!).

They are amazing AND diligent. And it always makes my birthday so special knowing they have put in all of that effort to keep the tradition alive (I bet they weren't counting on all of the international trips when they started it!!)

It was also WONDERFUL to read all of the messages from friends and family - it is such a reminder of how loved I am. !!!! So blessed.

PS - please notice the blatantly phallic dessert they served me after dinner (pictured below).

Grahamstown Traditions: Steak night

One of the many food-related traditions that the other Amb. Scholars and I have established/participated in Grahamstown has been that of Steak Night. The last Wednesday of every month, the local grocery store, Pick and Pay, sponsors a steak night at the golf club, where they sell meat (they cut it right off the cow... more or less) and grill it up for you. This makes for a very yummy and a very CHEAP steak dinner. And I mean SERIOUSLY yummy (they put a lemon marinade on it, but I think it is all of the MSG they add that really gives it a kick - ha!) and SERIOUSLY cheap - we are talking 15 Rand for the lovely hunk of cow you see in the picture there - at the current exchange rate, that is $1.50. Yes, that's right - a dollar and a half for a steak dinner. Thanks Pick and Pay, and thank you Grahamstown.

PS - this has to be one of the best fundraising ideas I've ever heard - get a grocery store to sponsor (or sell at a discount) a whole bunch of raw meat, and then sell plates of food to everyone at a little more upped price. It is a RAGING success in Grahamstown. They sell the sides (see pics below) for about 20 rand (2 dollars) and dessert is a little extra too. Keep it in the files for future fundraising needs....

In the presence of fame...

Eben has certainly become a local celebrity in Grahamstown. Whenever people hear that I'm an Amb. Scholar from America, one of their first questions (after whether I voted for Obama) is whether I know Eben Cathey. And then they ask if we are related (all curly-haired Americans look alike). I like to think its a compliment to him - but then again, he is the famous one. :)