No one talks about...

what its like to be crazy passionate, qualified, but ... unemployed.

Its my choice.
And technically, I'm not even unemployed. I actually have two jobs.
but i'm working on starting my career.
a career that gets me up in the morning.
and makes my heart thump.
where i DO what i BELIEVE.

Man there are HIGHS -
those wonderful moments when i realize that literally ANYTHING is possible,
ANYTHING could happen,
I could go ANYWHERE
do ANYTHING
love ANYONE
if i can DREAM it, I can DO it!
its utter FREEDOM!

And then there are the LOWS -

and lows are LOW and I mean LOW.
Scary low - feeling like I am wasting my life, wasting these precious days - scary realizations that I am 26 (as if the number in itself is a scary thing, whatever that means) - scary spiraling fears that start with -
what if i'm not good enough
to
what if i don't get my dream job
to
what if i'm missing a huge opportunity
to
what if i don't get any job
to
.....
and somehow that ends up
with
what if i never have babies???

what??!? where did babies come in to this?

its like my the worrying parts of my brain are so overstimulated, they are able to pick up anything, and I mean ANYTHING to worry about.

so breathing has become something i have to concentrate on, a lot.

because people, especially people who love me, want to know...
what is next?
what are your plans?

and sometimes that makes me shaky ... because it is really scary and humbling to say...

i. have. no. idea.

i've never been that person before.
i've always known what was next, and what was next was always... pretty cool.
but i'm not that person right now.
i'm the 'i have no idea what i'm doing' person.
its an identity change.


but its also good - one day at a time kind of good.
taking deep breathes
appreciating leaves and snow kind of good.
sitting over coffee with old friends and scheming about possible life plans kind of good.
relinquishing control an really trusting god kind of good.
refinding music kind of good.
hot baths kind of good.
essentially, appreciating the little things kind of good.

so if you are going through something similar, you are not alone.
i'm here, drinking ginger tea, with 100 tabs open on my computer and 15 open half finished applications, 43 simultaneous half-formed life plans, and a deep fear of being asked what those plans are.

and sometimes, i even enjoy it a little. :)

And here is one thing I do know:
I am not going to settle.
Something amazing is going to happen.
Because... I just know it will.
And the people whose lives I admire the most, never settled.
And until this something amazing comes up, I am going to enjoy being with the people I love.
And breathe a lot.


PS -
i promise i will ALWAYS help you if you are looking for a job (not that i'm a lot of help right now, but you know...).
i won't just tell you to look at the website.
and if i'm an employer of an amazing org, i will ALWAYS WRITE EVERY PERSON WHO APPLIES back a note, even if it is just to say no.
because everyone deserves at least a no.
and everyone deserves a little help.
and we shouldn't have to sell our souls to get a job that we would be great at.
you know?

ok, that's all for today.